By Nichole Smith
It is an argument that I do not understand. How seemingly intelligent level headed women can suddenly turn catty, judgmental and sometimes, down right mean over the subject of whether or not you are a good or bad mother if you work outside the home. Some will argue that a working mom is depriving her children of quality time together while others will argue that no one can raise their children better than themselves. Still, some women will go so far as to suggest that mothers who work are materialistic and selfish. It does not stop there. The working mothers claim that stay-at-home moms (sahm) cannot keep a job, or that they are lazy and spend their time in front of the TV eating bon-bons and watching daytime television. Both are defensive about their decisions on how they choose to provide for their family and will negatively discuss the other moms' decision but quickly add that they support that mom. Confused yet? Me too and I have been both the sahm and working mother.
If there is a way to make sense of all this, no one has found it yet. In a poll done by Baby Talk Magazine, Sally Tusa writes, "The majority of moms in both camps said that they've been told outright by someone from the other side that their choice is was the wrong one" (September 2000). This statement automatically makes the little hairs on the back of any mom's neck stand straight up. It sends moms everywhere the message that they are not doing what is in the best interest of their child and that their parenting skills are being examined. What baffled me the most was the available amount of information on this topic. While doing my research, I found over 1,000 articles discussing working mothers, some of them were not relevant to what I am discussing, but overwhelmingly most were. However, when I ran the search for information on stay at home mothers (Sahm), there was a drastically small amount of information, instead I found a large number of websites devoted to both working mothers (whom) and sahm. This being said, there is a great support network for both sides and plenty of fuel for their arguments.
All of the mothers interviewed in the Baby Talk poll agreed that moms should be able to do what they feel is right without the pressure from outside forces and society. In fact, guilt, shame, and the "Superwoman" theory all weigh heavily on working mothers' shoulders. But who really lays those emotions on mothers? Is it the sah moms, who don't seem to understand why that second income is truly necessary? Or do the working moms themselves, feel that they are forced to make the choice to be mothers, wives and professionals. One report from Newsweek claims that because today's working mother had a mother at home growing up, she is vulnerable to criticism, guilt and anxiety that she is missing something from not being at home like her mother was. Unfortunately for most of the working mothers, they feel that work is necessary for their family to survive; it is not a matter of maintaining a lifestyle, it comes down to getting the bills paid and keeping food on the table. As years have passed since women first entered the workforce, economics have changed as well and the dual income is not a luxury for those couples that want to have a family.
Stay at home moms feel though they are too often imposed upon and are not valued as contributing members of society. They are the carpool moms, the classroom mothers, the volunteers and the last minute babysitters for friends and family. Yet, the working mothers view them as lazy and unable to hold a job. Which job would they like them to hold, I ask. Truthfully, mothers who are at home 24/7 do not get "paid" for the housework or care that they give their children and families. It is no wonder that these mothers often feel isolated and depressed. Most stay at home moms will say that there are a lot of stresses and tough choices that go along with being at home with their children. Besides the little recognition from the daily household chores, stay at home moms also become financial planners by making sure the family stays on budget. Since they live off of a single income, they are often forced to choose between things that dual income families may not have to choose between. The financial cushion that leads some mothers to work is not in a single income family and therefore they must save money in other ways. It isn't always this way, but for some it is this way daily. They decide what money goes where and when the extra is left (if extra is left) they decide where it goes as well. Mothers who stay at home say that they do it because it's what they want to do. They want to be the one to raise their children and "be there" for them when needed. It boils down to being the one to care for your child and kiss the boo-boos when they happen. Mothers who stay at home are also doing so because of the demands of work and home and the struggle to keep the two afloat. They have grown tired of the rushing and hurrying to fit the chores and things they want to do into a weekend. They have also chosen to have children later in life and therefore are leaving the workforce and career they worked so hard for to embark on the next challenge; raising a family. These are degreed women who resent the comments and notions that they are sitting around doing nothing all day. Do those moms exist? Sure they do and the mothers who are materialistic and selfish exist too but the majority is not this way. They are women who are taking the road less traveled since Feminism began and are going back into the home because they believe that a parent in the home to raise a child is far more important than an extra income.
Society has told women that they can have it all: work and family. But what society has failed to realize is that all of that comes with a price. Society sees women as natural caregivers and therefore, I believe expects us to be home with the children. Those attitudes are changing slowly, but at a price that puts women in moral conflict. They all agree that they want to be with their children more but for whatever reason, instead are working outside the home. It pulls at their desire to be the one to care for their children and still be a "productive member" of society. Society has yet to give women permission to choose how to live and how to raise their children without the inner conflict that comes
with the decision.
While some women may have planned to stay at home after the children were born, others did not. It was a choice that involved scrutinizing their lifestyle and deciding what they can and cannot do without. Those women that choose to stay at home are looked upon as depriving their family of some economic freedom. Again, their counterparts are seen as a mother who is only after material gain and do not value their children and the decision of who raises them.
After spending much time chatting with other moms on this topic and reading message boards specifically designed for this debate and researching the topic, I can come to only one conclusion and that is no one choice is wrong. We all agree that we love our children and want what is best for them. We make sacrifices and change the rules in parenting whenever we see that something is not working. As long as we are effective, caring parents who take time (however we can) to be with our children, then who cares?
I doubt that moms will someday think differently about their peers, but it is a hope. We should stand united in rights for moms whether they work inside or outside the home. They should all be valued in our society. The moms who work outside the home help to fuel our economic growth and mothers who work inside the home help to set positive foundations for our future. It is an honorable and important job no matter how you choose to do it. ------ Nichole is a wife, mother of four, a part-time administrative assistant, and freelance writer. After almost ten years in the clerical field, she decided to go back to writing. Born and raised in Ohio, she currently lives in a small, rural town on 3 1/2 acres with her husband, children, dog and cat (livestock to be added later). |
