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Read all ask Janice questions and answers below. If you would like to ask Janice a question, you can do so HERE.
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QUESTION: hi doctor
we r planing for baby now so how will i know whether iam pregnant we had intercourse yesterday we i come to know whether iam pregnant with in oneday
ANSWER: Hi - I'm not a medical doctor, and I honestly don't know whether there is a way to know if you're pregnant within one day! This forum isn't really for matters like this one, and I suggest that you discuss this with a medical doctor. Good luck!
QUESTION: What do you do when your child will not stand up for themselves to other children who abuse them?
ANSWER: Firstly, please let me apologize for the delay in responding – I had a problem with my phone line and couldn’t connect to the Internet for a while!
This is a heartbreaking situation for any parent to be in, and my heart goes out to you. Let me start off by asking if the ‘abuse’ that you are talking about is verbal ‘bullying’, or does it extend to actual physical abuse?
Physical abuse is absolutely unacceptable (not that any type of bullying is acceptable), and if your child is being physically harmed by other children then the parents and the school (you don’t mention how old your child is), should be notified immediately, and the culprits dealt with in whatever way you and the other authority figures in question see fit. Punishments should be age appropriate, and should be in the form of a ‘lesson’ that these children will learn from.
Some kids are naturally able to stand up for themselves, but to others, like your child, it just doesn’t come easily. In fact, when you look around at most of the adults you know, how many of them are truly able to stand up for themselves and ask for what they want? Most adults will do anything to avoid confrontation of any sort: in their friendships, work relationships, and relationships with their partners. So we need to teach our children the skills that they will need to get them through life – we think that we’re just arming them with the tools to get them through childhood conflicts, but in reality, what they learn now, is what they live by.
Find out if there are courses or workshops on offer in your area that deal with confidence promotion. It could be anything, from a self-help course, public speaking for kids, even martial arts which is an excellent confidence booster (it also teaches kids that physical violence aren’t the way to deal with their problems). In fact, try to find any activity that your child enjoys, and see if there are classes in your area that they can attend. Doing something they enjoy, and something that they are good at, whether it’s art, dance, or a sport, is also a very good way to boost your child’s confidence.
Speak to your child’s teacher. The school needs to be aware of the situation. Nowadays, unfortunately, bullying is a very common problem, and most schools have a standard practice in place for how they deal with it. It’s possible that your child will object to the teacher knowing – kids often think that they will be bullied even more if it’s discovered that they’ve told their mom what’s going on. But if it is handled correctly and discreetly, these repercussions shouldn’t occur.
Also, try to find someone who your child is comfortable confiding in (someone other than you), who will be able to give an ‘outside’ opinion and offer support to your child. We, as parents are too close to the situation to be able to offer objective support and advice – often, we just want to yell at the culprits and pummel them to the ground!! – not the solution that’s needed.
The most important thing is for your child to know that he is loved and supported and that he will always have someone to confide in, whether it’s a parent, friend, teacher or counsellor. Provide your child with this security and you will be giving him the support he needs to overcome the challenges that he is currently enduring.
QUESTION: I have a 20 year old daughter that believes she has the same father as my older daughter. This man is deceased and my girls have no relationship with his family. They do have a relationship with my current husband whom I have been with for 18 years and have a son with. My 20 year olds real father still lives around our town and has three children of his own around her age. I never told him either...mostly becuase I was married to someone else. Should I tell my daughter or just let it go. I don't know why its bothering me 20 years later but it is and im not sure if im doing the right thing by keeping this secret. HELP!
ANSWER: Toni, this is not usually an area that I deal with, so I will give you a brief answer, and advise you that consulting a legal professional, whom you trust, may be a good idea.
You say that you don’t know why this is bothering you 20 years later, but this is just a natural progression. As we get older, we do tend to think about the things we’ve done in the past. We review the major events and generally reminisce on our lives at different stages. So it is only natural now, as your daughter is embarking on her own adult life that you are thinking about all of this. There may also have been certain incidents in your life recently that have got you thinking about this.
Ask yourself what there is to gain by telling your daughter about her real father. Closely examine what these advantages are for yourself, your daughter, your current husband, and your daughter’s father. Are you prepared for the huge consequences all around if you do reveal the truth? Then compare these advantages to the disadvantages. You may find that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
I know that it’s tempting to ask opinions of friends (although I don’t know if there are others in your life who are aware of your situation), but I would urge you not to do this.
As I already said, consulting a professional is probably a good idea.
QUESTION: I am afraid that my 3 year old son loves his father more than me, even though I do a lot for him. This bothers me, I don't know what to do because I love my son very much and I want him to love me the most.
ANSWER: Welcome to Motherhood! They aren’t kidding when they say that having a child means knowing what it’s like to have your heart walking around outside of your body!
Being a mom is a thankless task – especially with really young kids. They can’t verbalise their appreciation of us, but we need to make the most of every smile, every hug, every time they eat what we put in front of them; every type of expression that a young child uses to show how much they love us.
You are not in competition with your son’s father, and you really need to hold back when the urge to compete with him arises. Your son needs to spend quality time with his dad. Kids often don’t spend much time with their dads. I don’t know what your home situation is, but the common scenario is that Dad leaves for work (often before kids are awake), is gone all day, and returns in the evening tired and worn out. This is the only time he gets to spend with the kids, and often it’s not really quality time at all. All in all, it often amounts to the fact that dads spend 1 – 2 hours per day with their kids. The kids really look forward to that time when they need to cram everything they’ve done in the day into a concise version to tell Dad. They also need to cram in everything they want to do with Dad in the evening. Although this time is not usually of optimum quality, it’s vital for children and their fathers to spend that time together. Young kids really do look forward to their father walking through the door every evening, and they’re oblivious to what mood dad is in, as long as he’s there.
Compare that limited time that they spend with their dads, to the amount of time children spend with their moms. I don’t need to tell you, especially with a 3-year-old, that we do everything for them! But they have the whole day in which to show their appreciation, albeit in many different ways, and maybe not in as direct a way as we’d like. They spend all that time with us, doing the mundane, ordinary things that we do everyday, but those couple of hours with dad in the evening are exciting. My kids often tell me that I’m boring (and I reassure myself that I’m not) and that their Dad is the cool parent! – but that’s just because I’m the one who gets to do the boring tasks: the car pool, the homework, packing the bags for ballet and swimming. Dad is the one who gets the time-out time: playing a board game before dinner, watching their favourite TV show with them. That time they spend with their dad is vital, and they get so much out of it. The same way, although it doesn’t seem like it, that they get so much out of spending that ‘boring’ time with me. That time in the car is when I get to talk to my kids and I get to see them interact with each other, and with the other kids who I car pool with. While I’m doing homework, I get to learn about their school day and how they’re managing with their work and social skills. They haven’t learned to completely value that time yet, but I have.
So, they have the whole day to show us how much they love us – and we so often miss all of those little signs – and only a brief time every day to show how much they love their dads. And the truth is that young children definitely take moms for granted! Truth be told, older children also take us for granted. It’s up to us to teach them not to.
It’s highly unlikely that your son loves his dad more than he loves you. He probably finds it easier to relax with his dad. A mom’s day is pressurised. There’s lots to do and we rush our kids along with us as we do them. We often don’t find time during all of that to express our love for our kids. How much more so then, is it difficult for a 3-year-old to find the time and tools with which to do the same?
Try to find time to spend some ‘chill-out’ time together as a family, and to bond together. You need to remove any resentment you feel towards your child’s father. If you feel that you are not able to do this alone, then please seek professional support in doing so. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a healthy, positive relationship with their father. Please remember that just as you were partners with your son’s father when you created him, this applies even more so in raising him. As I said before, it’s not a contest – having the attitude that it is will only create tension and animosity between you and your son’s father, which in turn, will directly affect your son. It is vital to the relationship you have with your son.
Having a child is a blessing, and you need to make the most of this blessing in every possible way, even when you feel unappreciated, or excluded from the relationship he has with his father. That is part of the challenge of being a mother – retaining that unconditional love for our children, even when we feel that it’s not being returned, and accepting our children with all their quirks and habits.
QUESTION: I just retired at age 69 and am trying to survive on SSI and a tiny pension. Do you think "Work at Home" is for me?
ANSWER: Dora, “Work at Home” is for anyone who has the discipline and perseverance for it, and for anyone who can find something that they genuinely enjoy and believe in. It is no good to try and work at something that you absolutely loathe, or at something that you don’t have faith in. Just try selling a product that you think is too expensive, or that doesn’t work, and you’ll see what I mean. Your heart just won’t be in it.
Like I’ve recommended here before, do some research into the many work at home options that are out there – there are quite a few which advertise on the WAHM site, so you could start with them (support our advertisers!).
Don’t make any rash decisions. Don’t send any money to someone who does not give you full details of exactly what you will get for that money, or exactly what it is that the business they’re advertising does. Many sites ask for money before giving full details of what their business is – they try to tell you that by sending them the money, they’ll send you all the ‘secrets’ you need for making heaps of money. BEWARE of those!
Perhaps you have a hobby that you could turn into a small business – that’s also worth looking into if you’d prefer to do something that you already know and are good at. List all of the pro’s and con’s that you can think of in comparing turning a hobby into a business, with starting off something from scratch, that will require you to learn something new. If you do decide to go into something new, find out if thorough training and support is provided. A support network will be vital to you if you are starting out in a new business network.
Whatever it is you decide to do, you need to decide how much time you are able to allocate to making your business work. You also need to calculate how much you are able to allocate to resources, such as stock or advertising, if necessary. Keep careful records of everything. Don’t fall into the habit of being slack, just because you’re working from home. A business is a business no matter how big or small, or where it’s operating from. Making a business work takes discipline, planning and determination.
I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.
QUESTION: I love to write and I would love to stay home with my children and get paid to do what I love. Can you please help me to get started? Thank you
ANSWER: Hi Ann – Writing is a continual, continuous endeavour. It will definitely help you to keep a journal. Whether you want to keep a diary type of journal, or a journal where you write down any ideas that you have on topics to write on, will be up to you. Or you could do both.
Decide what type of writing you want to do – women’s fiction, technical advice, children’s material. Maybe you will want to try out different genres before deciding on a particular one. Approach local newspapers and magazines to find out if they need freelance writers to write material of local interest.
Find out if there are any writing groups in your area – or perhaps you may prefer to join an online writing group. The reason why joining a group is beneficial, is that you will receive honest, objective feedback on your writing. You will also receive guidance in any areas that you may find tricky – many writers find that they are good at certain aspects of writing, such as plot and atmosphere, but find it difficult to mould characters and relationships, or find doing research challenging. Also, many of these groups offer advice on where to submit your work, how to go about finding representation, and which publications or websites, further afield from your locale, are looking for freelance writers. These are difficult areas to get into when you don’t know where to look and who to approach. Most publishers don’t accept submissions directly from writers, but will only deal with agencies. Being part of a writer’s group will give you an ‘inside edge’.
Go online and look for the websites of authors you admire. Many of them give background on how they got into writing, and many accept correspondence from readers. Ask questions and participate in discussions with other writers.
As with most things, money and recognition seldom arrive overnight! Writing is time consuming and often frustrating. Working at home requires self-discipline and structure. Set yourself small goals at a time. Decide how many pages, or even how many words you would like to create each day. Set aside specific times which you will dedicate to your writing. Take a notebook and pencil everywhere you go, so that you can jot down ideas as and when they occur to you.
It will take time and dedication. In the beginning you may still need to undertake other work, to supplement your income while you are trying to get your writing career underway. Keep your eye on the prize though. If this is something that you really want to do, keep at it until you can make it into something that is earning you a lucrative income – not necessarily through writing that big novel – but through a steady, continual flow of writing jobs.
QUESTION: DEAR JANICE,
I AM IN SEARCH FOR A JOB THAT I CAN DO AT MY HOME. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGGESTIONS ON WHAT TYPE OF JOBS WOULD BE GREAT FOR AT HOME CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE A 8 MONTH OLD SON.
THANKS, RHIANNON: KANSAS CITY, MO
ANSWER: Hi Rhiannon, I would suggest that you look around for a work at home solution that suits your particular situation. You need to find something that you enjoy doing, and that suits your skills - you don't mention if you are trained in any specific area. There are many different solutions that are available - many of which advertise on the WAHM site. Take a look at these first to see if anything interests you. Some do involve selling, and some might be different types of multi-level-marketing systems. Or you may decide that you want to start your own business. Whatever you decide, ensure that you investigate all your options very carefully and don't rush into anything. If you decide to look into an advertised business opportunity, don't feel pressured into anything, and be very, very careful if they ask for any type of payment up front, before you feel that you know about all aspects of the business. Many 'opportunities' tell you that they will only send you details if you make a payment - these so called opportunities are best avoided. Don't 'fall' into something out of desperation. Also, decide beforehand how many hours a day you can realistically put into your business without feeling pressured in the other areas of your responsibility. Good luck!
QUESTION: My 8 year old daugher is sometimes very sassy and talks back to my self and adults, she always wants to have the last word I need help. Her father and I are divorced . She is the same way with her father and grandparents when she goes over to there hous.
ANSWER: Your daughter is trying to push the boundaries – as many 8-year-olds tend to do. She wants to see how far she can push the authority figures in her life. 8-year-olds are at an age where they are trying to assert their independence. You don’t mention how you react to her behaviour, or if and how you punish her. It is vital that you make it clear to your daughter that this type of behaviour is not acceptable to you. Tell her in no uncertain terms how you intend to deal with it. For example, you could tell her that if she continues in this vein, some of her privileges will be withdrawn: she won’t be able to watch her favorite TV shows, or spend time doing the activities that she enjoys. Alternatively, if she decides to tone down the way she speaks, you can implement a reward system for her – for example, if she doesn’t talk back, for a week (or however long you decide is reasonable), then you’ll treat her to a trip to the mall, and will buy her something she wants (again, within whatever you consider to be a reasonable amount to spend etc. etc.). Most of all, you need to be consistent. Don’t threaten to do something, if you don’t intend to follow through – this will teach your daughter that she can get away with her behaviour as she will come to know that there will be no repercussions.
You need to make these adjustments by making your daughter realize that she is responsible for the outcomes of her behaviour. Sit her down and talk to her about how the way she talks is not acceptable. Be firm – YOU are the adult and authority figure laying down the ground rules and she needs to know that YOU are in charge, not her. Tell her how you will be dealing with this behaviour from now on, and put the ball in her court – she needs to know that the choice is hers: if she continues to be sassy and rude, then she will be responsible for the fact that she gets punished. She cannot put the blame on you (although you need to expect that initially, she probably will) if she is punished for the way she talks.
Then: discuss with your ex-husband and the grandparents what course of action you have decided to take. They also need to follow through with the decisions you’ve made. Your daughter needs consistency in the way her cheekiness is treated, and your ex-husband needs to know this. If he allows her to get away with it in his home, it’s definitely going to make it more difficult to implement. If you have an amenable relationship with your ex-husband, it might even be a good idea to confer with him before speaking to your daughter so that you can come to an agreement over how to handle things. This may make the consistency aspect easier.
You need to remember that you are the parent, and you make the rules – not the other way around. Don’t be afraid to remind your daughter of this, and assert your authority within the boundaries that you believe are correct for your home environment.
QUESTION: My daughter and her husband are at their wits end because their 10 month old baby (who nurses) will not sleep through the night. She goes to sleep & wakes up & stays awake (recently not even wanting to nurse)for hours & then if she falls back asleep, it's only for a couple of hours & then up again for a long period of time. They do not have internet access, so I told them I would try to get some help!!
ANSWER: It sounds as if your grand-daughter is switching around her day and night habits. There are a few methods that can be used in cases like this and your daughter and her husband need to find one that suits them. They could consult with their pediatrician in this regard to see what he/she suggests as well. You don’t mention what the baby does when she is awake – is she happy to play during this time, or does she spend most of it crying? This also has impact on the way your daughter can handle things – if she’s happy to play, that’s one thing, but if she’s crying for most of the time and is anxious, maybe she is hungry.
Have your daughter and her husband tried to take ‘shifts’ during the night. I know this might not be easy as she is nursing, but maybe as soon as the baby has eaten, your daughter could get a couple of hours sleep and her husband can watch the baby for a couple of hours until the next feed. How determined is your daughter to only nurse the baby? Would she consider giving the baby a bottle at night? This might also allow the baby (and parents) to sleep for longer.
I would assume that at 10 months, your grand-daughter is on solid food. Maybe something that she’s eating before going to sleep, is keeping her awake. If this is the case then your daughter needs to re-assess what the baby is eating and maybe give her something different.
I am not a doctor or pediatrician, and if your daughter is worried then I would suggest that she consult one of these baby experts. There are even sleep coaches that give advice on how to get babies into suitable sleeping habits. I suggest that she does consult a professional – or even more than one, in order to find the method that would suit them the best.
QUESTION: I'm in Iraq and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. Our daughter's biological father who gets visitation by-weekly has started dating a new young lady. My 8 year old daughter has become insecure about her not being the star. In fact she feels cut out of the relationship with her biological father as he is spending all his time with his girlfriend. She has come home from visits crying saying her other dad does not love her as much anymore. Last night he told Taylor, our daughter, he is going to marry this young lade (after a month of dating). He confronted my wife in a very blunt way and told her that he was getting married asap and if my wife and daughter dont like it... tough.
My daughter is even more upset now. What should I tell my wife to tell my 8 year old daughter?
ANSWER: I don’t need to tell you that this is a highly complex issue that will surely need more investigation and support than I am able to offer in this type of forum.
I’m sure it’s very difficult for you to be so far away, knowing that your wife is experiencing a problem like this. You refer to her daughter as ‘your’ daughter. Have you legally adopted her? I’m not asking to be facetious, but it does impact on how this situation can be handled. If you’ve legally adopted her, it’s possible that you could seek legal help in changing her biological father’s visitation rights.
Your daughter is feeling excluded from her father’s relationship right now. He is involved in something that is new and taking up a lot of his time and emotional energy. I doubt that this means that he no longer loves his daughter, but he just doesn’t know how to include her in his new family dynamic. It wouldn’t be a bad idea for him to get some counselling to get advice on how to deal with the situation, if he would be open to this idea. Don’t force the issue though; it will only make things worse, as he will feel defensive.
Having said all of that, Taylor is now at an age where she needs to start understanding that while she is undoubtedly the most important thing in her parents’ lives, they are also able to love other people, without detracting from the love they have for her. She has obviously come to terms with the relationship you have with her mother, although I have a feeling that the situation was probably handled a lot differently from the current one. She now needs to understand that her father too, is entitled to get married – she cannot expect him to remain single purely for her own benefit!
An 8-year-old girl is a walking mixture of emotions at the best of times! I really think that your wife needs to enlist the help of a school counsellor, or some other type of counsellor who will be able to help both her and your daughter in dealing with this situation. Children of divorce so often don’t know where they fit in – young children especially, who are so used to everything being about them, don’t understand that divorce is between the parents, and is something that is not about them at all - however, it goes without saying that regardless of this, it impacts hugely on them.
Get whatever help you (and your wife) need – deal as thoroughly as possible with the issue at hand (without bringing up past issues). If this situation is left to simmer, I doubt that will improve – it will only get worse and leave lingering scars for all involved.
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